day 41

Tomorrow is my 6 week appointment. They will take the pins out of my toes (I'm terrified), X-Ray, give me more physical therapy exercises and ????? - don't know what else. As I've said, I'm hoping to begin weight bearing. That is such a small, unpretentious sentence, but in my head and heart, it is a huge step. I'll be so disappointed if I have to wait one or two weeks, but know that very well could happen. When I broke the foot, I did have to wait two more weeks to bear weight. I just wanted to cry, but didn't. Of course, the bottom line is to do what I have to do to make my foot heal. I'm actually excited to begin the range of motion exercises that I should be ready for because every little step means I'm that much closer to independence again.

Emotionally, things are up and down. Usually I can just kind of disengage my brain and slide through the day without thinking too much, but the last week has been tough. I spend quite a bit of time sitting outside with my two dogs who are used to a very active lifestyle. We have a lot of property, but not a fence that keeps them in. They've learned that it takes me a long time to get them if they decide to do what they want - which usually involves leaving the yard - so they've been pushing it. They took off a couple of times. I know they have probably just gone to the other pastures around us, but there's always the off chance they get into the yard with the mean dog or head out to the road, so I flip out. So after that, I was frustrated with being  useless. That got worse when the Rottie blew his ACL. Aaaarghhhhh!!!! So now he needs surgery. I won't be able to help him at all.  Frustrating! He's supposed to be kept on leash when outside and I can just see me trying to manage that with the crutches. Hopefully I'll be able to at least do 50% weight bearing by then and maybe I can manage it. I was pretty depressed for a few days, what with the dogs and the general frustration of not being able to do anything.  The feeling has passed and I'm back to numbly lazing through the days. It's amazing how little I can do. The scary thing is that being lazy becomes self-fulfilling. Last time I was on the stupid crutches for 8 weeks and I remember once I was given the go ahead to drive and walk, there was this small moment when I just didn't want to do anything, just continue being a slug. I'm recognizing that deadbeat urge rearing its ugly head in me again. Fortunately, I know all it takes is just to force myself back into the world that first time and it just takes off from that point. Can't wait to be there!